THE RALPHIE TREATMENT, EXPLAINED

This is a good example of the type of e-mail we've received since mentioning The Ralphie Treatment:

Okay, I hate to admit ignorance, but I seem to be unable to find out what this means. The Sopranos fans I have talked to have given me no solid answers for what happened that is so "uncomfortable" for guys. Could somebody throw me a bone on this one?

Douglas Reynolds

OK, Doug, while attempting to give you visual image of The Ralphie Treatment, we will also attempt to follow all social niceties.

It seems that Ralphie Cifaretto and his main squeeze, Janice Soprano, like to role-play in the bedroom. Apparently, Ralphie seems to enjoy being treated like an underachieving prostitute by an over-agitated pimp, played by Janice. Ralphie APPEARS to be the recipient of some sort of repeated penetration by Janice.

Oh, it’s just so gross!

THE WEST MEMPHIS THREE

It's been 9 and a half years since three little boys were brutally murdered, and three older boys were charged with the crimes. While we don't know if The West Memphis Three are guilty or not, it sure is an interesting tale.

HUSSEIN RETURNED TO POWER!!

In a stunning result, incumbent Saddam Hussein (B-Baghdad) was re-elected to his position of President For Life for another 7-year term. With 100% of the precincts reporting, Hussein and his Baath party received 100% of the vote, bettering his mark of 99.96% in the last election.

Hussein campaign manager Khalil Khamas was ecstatic. “We knew we had the issues that resonated with the Iraqi people.” said Khamas. “We closed strong with the undecided’s, and praise be to Allah, we had good weather and a strong turnout.”

RULE ONE PROBLEM

Canadian attorney Peter Ritchie had no problem defending the worst accused serial killer in the Great White North's history. Ritchie only withdrew from defending Robert Pickton, accused of 15 murders and suspected in many more, when Pickton developed a Rule 1 problem. What is Rule 1 to all attorneys?

Get paid.

GOOD NEWS!!

Catherine Zeta-Jones is pregnant again, expecting her second child in the spring. This can only mean that Zeta-Jones will stop doing those inane cell phone commercials that make us want to vomit.

THE INTERSTATE 5 SERIES

Well, it doesn't have the same cache as the Subway Series, but the Anaheim Angels and San Francisco Giants will meet in the Interstate 5 Series starting Saturday. May the best, and most southern, team win.

UPDATE: Calpundit mocks our calling the upcoming series The Interstate 5 Series because I-5 doesn't go through San Francisco, and nominates The 101 Series, but come on! You ever drove the 101 to San Francisco? Sure the sights are nice, but it takes like 9 and a half hours. No, to make good time, it's the I-5 baby.

OUCH!

Laura Ingraham's weekly E-Blast! opens with this assessment of the race to be California's Governor:

There's an old saying in politics that you can't beat something with nothing. Unfortunately, in California's governor's race, the campaign of Republican challenger Bill Simon has been marked by a lot of nothing, unless you count missteps and miscalculations. The most recent Simon embarrassment involved his claim that a photo of incumbent governor Gray Davis receiving a political contribution was taken at Davis' government office (which would have been illegal). Simon's claim turned out to be inaccurate, and the photo flap made him look desperate.

There have been many instances of Simon mishandling issues and squandering opportunities during the past year, but more than anything he simply lacks the personal charisma and passion on the stump needed to make Californians sit up and listen.

Laura sounds kind of sad this week.

OH COME ON!

Jim Caple has a nice little column about the Anaheim Angels burying the demons of seasons past, but has to leave us with this ominous paragraph:

Of course, as anyone who plays for a team owned by a movie company should know, demons have a nagging habit of coming back in a sequel. After all, the Angels haven't won the World Series yet. And the Red Sox can tell them some stories about how cruel that curse can be.

YEAH, THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT

A hilarious moment took place during the Angels-Twins ALCS game. In the top of the 4th. Fox shows a shot of Governor Gray Davis, John Travolta, and Michael Eisner sitting together watching the game. Check out the deference paid to Davis by the announcing team of Thom Brennaman and Steve Lyons:

Lyons: Hey, John Travolta. Vinnie Barbarino's here.

Brennaman: Michael Eisner, uh, wearing the Angels cap, the chairman and C.E.O. of The Walt Disney Company, the owner of this Angels ballclub. Tapped to the right side, one away in the inning.

Long Pause

Brennaman: And Governor Gray Davis of California.

IS JEB REALLY IN TROUBLE?

We have long hoped that Bill McBride would bloody Jeb Bush's nose in the November election, but we hadn't started holding our breath. Well, take a look at how Campaigns & Elections has been handicapping Jeb's chances:

9-5-02---57.1% chance Bush is re-elected.

9-23-02---54.5%

Today---52.9%

You think some folks down in Florida, and in the White House, are getting a touch nervous?

TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER BLOGGED

Mighty Girl gave us this gem 6 months ago, but it's still true to this day:

Raspberry bathroom air fresheners are unsettling. The area where one defecates should not smell edible.

Mighty Girl is a hoot.

THE RALPHIE TREATMENT

If you're a fan of The Sopranos, you are probably already squirming (if you're a male you're squirming, if you're female you might be enjoying the visual) at the idea of The Ralphie Treatment. Bill Simmons (read down) is the first to coin it in print.

IS THIS FUNNY?

MSNBC was giving up live coverage of the sniper killings in D.C. when we got this exchange:

Chris Jansing: I have on the phone Michael Scenna, he is the manager of the Exxon station where the shooting occured. Michael, thank you for joining us.

Michael Scenna: Yes, I'm here.

Jansing: What can you tell us about what happened this morning, where were you, what, what did you see and hear?

Scenna: I'm the manager here and I was working when, when, when this all went down this morning, and uh, basically this gentleman, he comes into the store everyday, and he's very well known, and everybody likes him, and it was just horrible to be, um, what had happened to him.

Jansing: Did you see anything? Did you hear anything? We know that there has been one guy who works across the street who reported seeing this white van, um, but what did you see?

Scenna: I saw the man, um, being snowballed by Howard Stern.

HOW ABOUT THAT CALPUNDIT?

In a shameless attempt to be quoted in Calpundit's 'Props' section, we'd just like to mention that Calpundit is a bitchin' blog.

Kevin Drum runs a pretty tight ship over there, and we like that. Kevin is even-handed, ocassionaly a smart ass, and has absolutely owned the human v. computer chess story.

However, while we certainly are impressed with the Kevin Drum's musings, we certainly don't endorse his practice of posting a picture he cut out of GQ so he can pick up chicks.

SO, WHAT'S YOUR SIGN, KATHERINE?

Maxspeak has this review of Katherine Harris' performance on Hardball. Max seems to think that Matthews is smitten with Harris.

THE COOLEST NAME

Matt Welch has a lengthy history of good baseball players that enjoyed brief and underwhelming stays with the Angels. Matt's knowledge of Angel history, or at least his ability to open up his Baseball Encyclopedia, is quite impressive. In fact he mentions the Angel with the bar-none coolest name in Angel, and possibly Major League Baseball history.

VIC POWER

Isn't that the best?

Speaking of Vic, did you know that he played for 4 teams in his last two seasons? He started 1964 in Minnesota, went to the Dodgers for a couple of months, before being dispatched to Philadelphia to finish the season. He played his last year, 1965, with the California Angels. (We have a Baseball Encyclopedia, too.)

We're pretty sure that after the Angels win the World Series, and they will win it, no matter what Jeff Cooper says, we'll stop this continual baseball posting.

SOME WOMEN SCORNED

Andy Rooney has pissed off a whole bunch of women with these comments:

"The only thing that really bugs me about television's coverage is those damn women they have down on the sidelines who don't know what the hell they're talking about.

"I mean, I'm not a sexist person, but a woman has no business being down there trying to make some comment about a football game."

The thing is, he's half right. We'd banish the male sideline reporters as well.

THERE IS A GOD

And He is a good God, and a merciful God. For He has decreed that at 8PM (ET) the puck will drop on the NHL season.

Hockey takes to best of eveything to make the perfect sport. It takes the speed of NASCAR, the hitting of the NFL, the random violence of today's society, and it's all done on skates! What's not to love?

ESPN has a listing of predictions from all of their hockey, ahem, experts. 20 guys and only Al Morganti gets it right. The Los Angeles Kings will lift Lord Stanley's Cup come springtime.