In Arguendo

2002-10-16T16:46:00.000-07:00

THE RALPHIE TREATMENT, EXPLAINED

This is a good example of the type of e-mail we've received since mentioning The Ralphie Treatment:

Okay, I hate to admit ignorance, but I seem to be unable to find out what this means. The Sopranos fans I have talked to have given me no solid answers for what happened that is so "uncomfortable" for guys. Could somebody throw me a bone on this one?

Douglas Reynolds

OK, Doug, while attempting to give you visual image of The Ralphie Treatment, we will also attempt to follow all social niceties.

It seems that Ralphie Cifaretto and his main squeeze, Janice Soprano, like to role-play in the bedroom. Apparently, Ralphie seems to enjoy being treated like an underachieving prostitute by an over-agitated pimp, played by Janice. Ralphie APPEARS to be the recipient of some sort of repeated penetration by Janice.

Oh, it’s just so gross!

2002-10-16T15:19:00.000-07:00

THE WEST MEMPHIS THREE

It's been 9 and a half years since three little boys were brutally murdered, and three older boys were charged with the crimes. While we don't know if The West Memphis Three are guilty or not, it sure is an interesting tale.

2002-10-15T23:57:00.000-07:00

HUSSEIN RETURNED TO POWER!!

In a stunning result, incumbent Saddam Hussein (B-Baghdad) was re-elected to his position of President For Life for another 7-year term. With 100% of the precincts reporting, Hussein and his Baath party received 100% of the vote, bettering his mark of 99.96% in the last election.

Hussein campaign manager Khalil Khamas was ecstatic. “We knew we had the issues that resonated with the Iraqi people.” said Khamas. “We closed strong with the undecided’s, and praise be to Allah, we had good weather and a strong turnout.”

2002-10-15T18:45:00.000-07:00

RULE ONE PROBLEM

Canadian attorney Peter Ritchie had no problem defending the worst accused serial killer in the Great White North's history. Ritchie only withdrew from defending Robert Pickton, accused of 15 murders and suspected in many more, when Pickton developed a Rule 1 problem. What is Rule 1 to all attorneys?

Get paid.

2002-10-15T12:08:00.000-07:00

GOOD NEWS!!

Catherine Zeta-Jones is pregnant again, expecting her second child in the spring. This can only mean that Zeta-Jones will stop doing those inane cell phone commercials that make us want to vomit.

2002-10-14T21:00:00.000-07:00

THE INTERSTATE 5 SERIES

Well, it doesn't have the same cache as the Subway Series, but the Anaheim Angels and San Francisco Giants will meet in the Interstate 5 Series starting Saturday. May the best, and most southern, team win.

UPDATE: Calpundit mocks our calling the upcoming series The Interstate 5 Series because I-5 doesn't go through San Francisco, and nominates The 101 Series, but come on! You ever drove the 101 to San Francisco? Sure the sights are nice, but it takes like 9 and a half hours. No, to make good time, it's the I-5 baby.

2002-10-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

OUCH!

Laura Ingraham's weekly E-Blast! opens with this assessment of the race to be California's Governor:

There's an old saying in politics that you can't beat something with nothing. Unfortunately, in California's governor's race, the campaign of Republican challenger Bill Simon has been marked by a lot of nothing, unless you count missteps and miscalculations. The most recent Simon embarrassment involved his claim that a photo of incumbent governor Gray Davis receiving a political contribution was taken at Davis' government office (which would have been illegal). Simon's claim turned out to be inaccurate, and the photo flap made him look desperate.

There have been many instances of Simon mishandling issues and squandering opportunities during the past year, but more than anything he simply lacks the personal charisma and passion on the stump needed to make Californians sit up and listen.

Laura sounds kind of sad this week.

2002-10-14T11:09:00.000-07:00

OH COME ON!

Jim Caple has a nice little column about the Anaheim Angels burying the demons of seasons past, but has to leave us with this ominous paragraph:

Of course, as anyone who plays for a team owned by a movie company should know, demons have a nagging habit of coming back in a sequel. After all, the Angels haven't won the World Series yet. And the Red Sox can tell them some stories about how cruel that curse can be.

2002-10-12T18:08:00.000-07:00

YEAH, THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT

A hilarious moment took place during the Angels-Twins ALCS game. In the top of the 4th. Fox shows a shot of Governor Gray Davis, John Travolta, and Michael Eisner sitting together watching the game. Check out the deference paid to Davis by the announcing team of Thom Brennaman and Steve Lyons:

Lyons: Hey, John Travolta. Vinnie Barbarino's here.

Brennaman: Michael Eisner, uh, wearing the Angels cap, the chairman and C.E.O. of The Walt Disney Company, the owner of this Angels ballclub. Tapped to the right side, one away in the inning.

Long Pause

Brennaman: And Governor Gray Davis of California.

2002-10-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

IS JEB REALLY IN TROUBLE?

We have long hoped that Bill McBride would bloody Jeb Bush's nose in the November election, but we hadn't started holding our breath. Well, take a look at how Campaigns & Elections has been handicapping Jeb's chances:

9-5-02---57.1% chance Bush is re-elected.

9-23-02---54.5%

Today---52.9%

You think some folks down in Florida, and in the White House, are getting a touch nervous?

2002-10-11T11:49:00.000-07:00

TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER BLOGGED

Mighty Girl gave us this gem 6 months ago, but it's still true to this day:

Raspberry bathroom air fresheners are unsettling. The area where one defecates should not smell edible.

Mighty Girl is a hoot.

2002-10-11T10:20:00.000-07:00

THE RALPHIE TREATMENT

If you're a fan of The Sopranos, you are probably already squirming (if you're a male you're squirming, if you're female you might be enjoying the visual) at the idea of The Ralphie Treatment. Bill Simmons (read down) is the first to coin it in print.

2002-10-11T10:09:00.000-07:00

IS THIS FUNNY?

MSNBC was giving up live coverage of the sniper killings in D.C. when we got this exchange:

Chris Jansing: I have on the phone Michael Scenna, he is the manager of the Exxon station where the shooting occured. Michael, thank you for joining us.

Michael Scenna: Yes, I'm here.

Jansing: What can you tell us about what happened this morning, where were you, what, what did you see and hear?

Scenna: I'm the manager here and I was working when, when, when this all went down this morning, and uh, basically this gentleman, he comes into the store everyday, and he's very well known, and everybody likes him, and it was just horrible to be, um, what had happened to him.

Jansing: Did you see anything? Did you hear anything? We know that there has been one guy who works across the street who reported seeing this white van, um, but what did you see?

Scenna: I saw the man, um, being snowballed by Howard Stern.

2002-10-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

HOW ABOUT THAT CALPUNDIT?

In a shameless attempt to be quoted in Calpundit's 'Props' section, we'd just like to mention that Calpundit is a bitchin' blog.

Kevin Drum runs a pretty tight ship over there, and we like that. Kevin is even-handed, ocassionaly a smart ass, and has absolutely owned the human v. computer chess story.

However, while we certainly are impressed with the Kevin Drum's musings, we certainly don't endorse his practice of posting a picture he cut out of GQ so he can pick up chicks.

2002-10-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

SO, WHAT'S YOUR SIGN, KATHERINE?

Maxspeak has this review of Katherine Harris' performance on Hardball. Max seems to think that Matthews is smitten with Harris.

2002-10-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

THE COOLEST NAME

Matt Welch has a lengthy history of good baseball players that enjoyed brief and underwhelming stays with the Angels. Matt's knowledge of Angel history, or at least his ability to open up his Baseball Encyclopedia, is quite impressive. In fact he mentions the Angel with the bar-none coolest name in Angel, and possibly Major League Baseball history.

VIC POWER

Isn't that the best?

Speaking of Vic, did you know that he played for 4 teams in his last two seasons? He started 1964 in Minnesota, went to the Dodgers for a couple of months, before being dispatched to Philadelphia to finish the season. He played his last year, 1965, with the California Angels. (We have a Baseball Encyclopedia, too.)

We're pretty sure that after the Angels win the World Series, and they will win it, no matter what Jeff Cooper says, we'll stop this continual baseball posting.

2002-10-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

SOME WOMEN SCORNED

Andy Rooney has pissed off a whole bunch of women with these comments:

"The only thing that really bugs me about television's coverage is those damn women they have down on the sidelines who don't know what the hell they're talking about.

"I mean, I'm not a sexist person, but a woman has no business being down there trying to make some comment about a football game."

The thing is, he's half right. We'd banish the male sideline reporters as well.

2002-10-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

THERE IS A GOD

And He is a good God, and a merciful God. For He has decreed that at 8PM (ET) the puck will drop on the NHL season.

Hockey takes to best of eveything to make the perfect sport. It takes the speed of NASCAR, the hitting of the NFL, the random violence of today's society, and it's all done on skates! What's not to love?

ESPN has a listing of predictions from all of their hockey, ahem, experts. 20 guys and only Al Morganti gets it right. The Los Angeles Kings will lift Lord Stanley's Cup come springtime.

2002-10-08T14:05:00.000-07:00

PREMEDITATED VOMITING

William Burton threatens to vomit on Bud Selig if MLB picks Mark McGwire's 62nd dinger as baseball's Most Memorable Moment. It seems that Bill (you can call William 'Bill' when you've known him as long as we have) is a tad chagrined over Mr. McGwire's 'alleged' steroid use.

2002-10-08T11:43:00.000-07:00

PAT BUCHANAN MAKES A POINT!

Pat Buchanan felt the need today to point out three different times that Congressman Harold Ford, Jr. (D-Tenn), is an African-American:

Buchanan: Upcoming, we've got Congressman Harold Ford, black Democrat from Tennessee, who stood right beside the President of the United States and supports his war on Iraq. We're gonna ask him why.

Buchanan: Welcome back, our guest is Congressman Harold Ford, a Democrat of Tennessee, an African-American who was standing right there in the Rose Garden with the President...

Buchanan: Welcome back, our guest is Congressman Harold Ford, African-American Democrat from the conservative state of Tennessee...

2002-10-08T09:56:00.000-07:00

WE KNEW IT!

While our law school education will come to a not-so-abrupt end in December, we have long figured that law school professors get a perverse enjoyment out of humiliating and embarrassing students they had it in for. Now Jeff Cooper admits it, and tells us of his next victim.

2002-10-08T09:01:00.000-07:00

THE RALLY MONKEY SPEAKS

Jim Caple gets the first interview with the bizarre, yet powerful Rally Monkey. It turns out that the Rally Monkey , like Bo Jackson, refers to himself in the third person, and, like Matt Welch, has kind of a potty mouth.

We love the Rally Monkey even more now.

2002-10-07T13:17:00.000-07:00

HOW MUCH DID DICK ARMEY GET FOR THIS ONE?

Dick Armey: In these extraordinary times, an extraordinary shift in national security is necessary. No American wants to go to war, but the President’s proven leadership has shown that the conflict may be our only, our only option to defend freedom.

2002-10-07T11:37:00.000-07:00

LESTER'S IN, ASHLEIGH'S OUT

We mentioned last week that one of the ideas being kicked around by the MSNBC muckity mucks was banishing Ashleigh Banfield from the schedule, and we got the news today that it's a done deal.

Lester Holt, and his situation room, we presume, takes over the 7PM (EST) timeslot with Countdown; Iraq, which makes its debut tonight.

2002-10-05T17:54:00.000-07:00

START SPREADING THE NEWS, THEY'RE LEAVING TODAY

New York sent out a baseball team, and Anaheim returned them as just a bunch of guys who did seasonal work together. So, how long does the yellow brick road go for the Angels? Well, who says it has to end?

2002-10-04T21:40:00.000-07:00

THE RALLY MONKEY STRIKES!!

The Anaheim Angels unleashed the mysterious yet wonderful Rally Monkey on the New York Yankees tonight. Trailing 6-1, the Halos scored 8 unanswered runs and took a 2-1 lead in the ALDS. We hate to be the town crier, and we are rooting for the Angels as much as anybody, but it should be noted that the Angels are a miserable 0-6 in games they could clinch a playoff series. And the Yankees know what it takes to win with their backs against the wall. Sadly, we can almost see Jeter, Giambi, The Rocket smiling themselves, and whispering 'We got 'em right where we want 'em.'

Let's hope some new history is made this weekend.

2002-10-04T20:32:00.000-07:00

IS IT SAFE?

Ben Shapiro proves that 13-year-old columnists are so a good idea. His latest effort solves the Iraq crisis. Gentle Ben does it with a deep and compelling comparison of the motion picture The Marathon Man and the motion picture Darkman. Seriously.

2002-10-04T19:30:00.000-07:00

DUEL TALK CRAZY? NOT SO FAST...

Iraqi Vice President Taha Yassin Ramadan suggested that the United States and Iraq settle their dispute with a duel. The mainstream press, and the White House laughed this offer away as pure nonsense. But is it?

What better way for George W. Bush to vent his pent-up rage over Sadam Hussein trying to knock off his old man than to beat the snot out of old Saddam. Bush is always releasing his amazing physical results, right? Well, let's take that resting pulse of 44 out for a spin. Frankly, Bush would pound Hussein into the dirt. In a winner-take-oil grudge match, we'd come out way ahead. And President Bush would certainly assure himself reelection by opening a can of whoopass on Sadam.

It might be time for Karl Rove to rethink this duel deal.

2002-10-04T19:15:00.000-07:00

HONEST ABE

Senator Robert Byrd gave us a brilliant quote from Abraham Lincoln:

Representative Abraham Lincoln, in a letter to William H. Herndon, stated: "Allow the President to invade a neighboring nation whenever he shall deem it necessary to repel an invasion, and you allow him to do so whenever he may choose to say he deems it necessary for such purpose - - and you allow him to make war at pleasure. Study to see if you can fix any limit to his power in this respect, after you have given him so much as you propose. If, to-day, he should choose to say he thinks it necessary to invade Canada, to prevent the British from invading us, how could you stop him? You may say to him, 'I see no probability of the British invading us' but he will say to you 'be silent; I see it, if you don't.'

"The provision of the Constitution giving the war-making power to Congress, was dictated, as I understand it, by the following reasons. Kings had always been involving and impoverishing their people in wars, pretending generally, if not always, that the good of the people was the object. This, our Convention understood to be the most oppressive of all Kingly oppressions; and they resolved to so frame the Constitution that no one man should hold the power of bringing this oppression upon us. But your view destroys the whole matter, and places our President where kings have always stood."

2002-10-04T16:36:00.000-07:00

WERDMULLER DECLARES FOR '06!!

While most political hopefuls tend to wait until the last election is over before declaring their own candidacy, most people aren't Ben Werdmuller. Werdmuller, who's platform seems to be based upon his being a resident of California, has announced he will run for the office of Governor. We can honestly say that Werdmuller is our clear cut favorite of all of the announced candidates for the '06 race.

2002-10-04T15:32:00.000-07:00

WHAT IS THERE TO SAY?

Here's the headline: Woman pleads guilty to fraud after claiming husband died at in 9-11 attack

Clearly, no comment is neccessary.

2002-10-04T13:07:00.000-07:00

ROOSTER ATTACK SUSPECT NABBED!!

Rockadoodle Two, the rampaging rooster who made a name for himself by attacking 2 year Dechardonae Gaines, has been captured and is now in custody. Rockadoodle Two, and his sister, Hen, were grabbed during a daring mid-day raid where the meanspirited rooster had been holed up under a nearby house. Naturally, Rockadoodle Two, who has been quoted as saying that the cops wouldn't take him alive, led authorities on a multy-yard chase that finally ended when one police officers 'tackled him'. "This was no scrawny rooster," the officer said.

Sadly, this is not the first time tragedy has struck the Rockadoodle family. Rockadoodle Two's father, Rockadoodle, and mother, one-legged Henny Penny, 'lived in the neighborhood until their deaths by pit bull and heat stroke, respectively'.

2002-10-04T12:46:00.000-07:00

THE RIGHT WING BAY AREA

A new survey shows that Los Angeles is more liberal than San Francisco. Suck on that, you liberal-wannabes up north!

2002-10-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

AHEAD OF THE CURVE

In July, we surmised that Phil Donahue does his best work in front of a live audience, and the bigwigs at MSNBC would do well to get him there on a daily basis. That is one of several changes being discussed at the allegedly fiercely independent network. Also being pondered: banishing Banfield and nuking Nachman.

2002-10-03T18:06:00.000-07:00

THE WORLD'S FUNNIEST JOKE?

According to MSNBC:

“A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

“The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’

“The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: ’Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

“There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: ‘OK, now what?”

2002-10-03T14:17:00.000-07:00

A DAILY SHOW RETRACTION

John Stewart: Yesterday, very quickly, I may have alluded to Reese Witherspoon's dark, criminal past. Something about shady business dealings, unaccounted for bodies, a river of blood winding itself back to her. On advice from counsel, I would like to say I regret that, and would like to move on.

2002-10-03T11:31:00.000-07:00

UPON FURTHER REVIEW...

Matthew Yglesias takes The West Wing to task by misinterpreting last night's episode. Matthew asks:

Did they really have Jed Bartlett get on stage and suggest that the solution to the terrorism problem was ... higher teacher salaries?

Well, Jed Bartlett was talking about acts of terrorism performed by AMERICANS, and the idea that better education for American students can't be a bad thing, right? Here's Bartlett's remarks:

President Bartlett: 'Joy cometh in the morning', scripture tells us. I hope so. I don't know if life would be worth living if it didn't. And I don't yet know who set off the bomb at Kennison State. I don't know if it's one person or ten, and I don't know what they want. All I know for sure, all I know for certain is that they weren't born wanting to do this. There's evil in the world. There'll always be and we can't do anything about that. But there's violence in our schools, too much mayhem in our culture and we can do something about that. There's not enough character, discipline and depth in our classrooms. There aren't enough teachers in our classrooms. There isn't nearly enough, not nearly enough, not nearly enough money in our classrooms and we can do something about that. We're not doing nearly enough, not nearly enough to teach our children well. And we can do better and must do better and we will do better. And we will start this moment, today. They weren't born wanting to do this.

So, Bartlett was saying that more education in this country could certainly help curb the in-bred terrorism problem. Bartlett wins that one.

Matthew also goes on to dismiss Josh and Toby's idea for making all college expenses tax deductable. Matt sure seems to know this subject pretty well, and we don't, but to our untrained eye, it seems like a good idea. All college expenses, capped out at $80,000 per child, being tax deductable? It sure sounds good to us.

Overall, Mr. Yglesias' tone gives one the idea that he's disappointed with The West Wing thus far into the season. On that, we must agree. For some reason or another, this season's episodes (both of them) have been somewhat sub-par.

2002-10-02T10:56:00.000-07:00

LET THE BUYER BE WARY

Patrick Goldstein has a funny and somewhat pathetic story of movie studios posting messages, posing as mere movie fans mind you, promoting their own movies. Check out these messages pushing several Universal Pictures flicks that were traced directly back to Universal Pictures:

On May 30, filmfreak234 wrote: "Lemme just say that I really can't wait to see undercover brother ... am I alone here? For one it looks hella funny, and two its got denise richards. You just can't get better than that combo!!!! Apparently harry knowles thinks so too. You know, from aintitcool.com. He said it was the bomb. If you wanna see what he wrote check out www.aintitcool.com and look for it on your own ... I'm definitely stoked for this one."

On July 9, fangoria17 wrote, enthusing about "The Silence of the Lambs": "I can't wait until the prequel Red Dragon comes out this fall. I watched the trailer for it at http://www.apple.com/trailers and it got me really excited. Check it out and tell me what you think."

Aside from the ethical lapses of the sudios, does anybody fall for these messages?

2002-10-02T10:43:00.000-07:00

THE TOP TEN POOREST CITIES

Based on the poverty rates:

1) Miami

2) Newark

3) New Orleans

4) Buffalo

5) Cleveland

6) Fresno

7) St. Louis

8) Atlanta

9) Philadelphia

10) El Paso

2002-10-02T10:23:00.000-07:00

SPEAKING OF IRAQ

The President: It has waged a war against its neighbors, it has sponsored and sheltered terrorists, it has developed weapons of math death.

2002-10-01T13:08:00.000-07:00

REVENGE OF THE NERD

get donkey spanks that ass!

2002-10-01T12:26:00.000-07:00

WHO'LL STAND UP FOR THE HALOS?

Jim Caple gives us 10 reasons to root for the Twins in the Amrican League Playoffs, and Eric Neel offers 10 1/5 reasons to root for the A's. So, who will stand up for the Anaheim Angels? Usually, it's Matt Welch, but he's too busy scalping playoff tickets, so it falls to us. Here now are the 11 reasons to root for the Anaheim Angels:

1) They're playing the Yankees.

2) The Angels shortstop, David Eckstein, looks like he's 14 years old.

3) The Angels dumped Mo Vaughn.

4) The Angels are watched over by the bizarre Rally Monkey.

5) The Angels battled back after starting the season 6-14.

6) They're playing the Yankees.

7) The Angels do all of the little things well.

8) The Angels are 0-6 in games that can clinch a playoff series. They're due!

9) The Angels fans really have suffered.

10) It would be the 'feel-good' story of the fall.

11) They're playing the Yankees.

2002-10-01T10:04:00.000-07:00

WHAT AN OPENING!

Here's the initial paragraph in a must-read story by Bill Decker:

Twenty-three months ago - give or take a couple - George W. Bush successfully built a broad-based coalition of nearsighted Florida voters and five Supreme Court justices to win the White House with a landslide minority.

Let's see how he's doing so far:

2002-10-01T09:50:00.000-07:00

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE...

16 years ago, the California Angels made their last playoff appearance and opened up in Boston facing Roger Clemens.

Tonight, the Anaheim Angels play their first playoff game in more than a decade and a half, and they open up in New York facing, naturally, Roger Clemens.

Since the '86 Angels smoked Clemens like a crack pipe, winning 8-1, we hope history keeps repeating itself.

2002-09-30T17:16:00.000-07:00

DID THE DEMS PULL A RABBIT FROM A HAT?

The Daily Kos has a very bright outlook for the Democrat's chances in the New Jersey Senate race. It sounds perfectly believable.

2002-09-30T15:01:00.000-07:00

THE WORST THING ABOUT BUSY, BUSY, BUSY...

...is that they don't post often enough. This effort is so on the money it's scary.

2002-09-30T13:10:00.000-07:00

IT JUST LOOKS BAD

Today, Chief Circuit Judge Belvin Perry ruled that the privacy rights of a drug treatment patient (namely, Noelle Bush) outweighs the interest of police officers in a criminal investigation. Based on the ruling, employees for the Center for Drug-Free Living cannot be compelled to answer questions concerning the allegation that Noelle was in possession of some crack cocaine. Well, that is certainly subject to debate, and smart people can clearly disagree on that legal point.

However, it clearly is unseemly that Judge Perry's cousin, Ken Allison, is with the Center for Drug-Free Living's Drug Court program. Judge Perry did NOT inform the attorneys in the case of the familial tie, as he didn't think it was relevant.

It sure seems sort of relevant to us.

2002-09-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

CAN MIKE MARTZ GET ANY STUPIDER?

The St. Louis Rams are now 0-4, and at least three of their losses can be directly traced to head coach Mike Martz. Coming into today, we thought we'd seen every possible way that Martz could lose a game for the Rams, and naturally, underestimated the brain-dead coach.

Today, the Rams were locked in a 10-10 tie with the Dallas Cowboys with 1:40 to play. The Rams had the ball on the Cowboys 25-yard line, third and three. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist, or even a child who plays with rockets, to understand that all the Rams needed to do was RUN the ball up the middle on third down, and if they don’t make the first, kick the field goal to win.

What does Martz do? He, naturally, orders a pass. Backup QB Jaime Martin gets sacked for a 7-yard loss. The field goal attempt, which was now 49 yards rather than 42, hits the upright and bounces wide. Of course the Cowboys moved down the field in the last 1:27, and kicked the game-winning field goal on the last play of the game.

The Rams’ season is now, officially, over. They ought to save themselves some time and fire Martz today. There’s no point in keeping on a coach who continually puts his own ego ahead of winning games. It’s not fair to the players, and it sure ain’t fair to the Rams’ fans.

2002-09-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

THE NASHVILLE SCENE?

Apparently there is one.

Now despite our views on the possiblity of an actual 'scene' in Nashville, the website by the same name has a great article on our President including this ironic passage:

Why did President Bush visit East Literature Magnet School last week on his fundraising trip to Nashville? "Because this is a center of excellence, a school that refuses to leave any child behind," was his politically familiar explanation. There's more:

* As the commander-in-chief spoke to 200 students and 300 invited adult guests, 400 students in the school's fifth through 12th grades were, er, left behind in their classrooms on "lockdown," a word normally reserved for occasions of violence or dangerous intruders.

2002-09-29T09:59:00.000-07:00

WHICH FAMOUS HOMOSEXUAL ARE YOU?

The good, yet somewhat bizarre, folks over at Rum And Monkey have an 11 question quiz that will tell you which famous homosexual you really are. Seriously.

It turns out that our C.E.O. is actually Mychal Judge, the chaplain to the New York Fire Department who was tragically killed when one of the World Trade Centre towers collapsed on September 11, 2001.

Further, while he won't admit it, Matt Welch turns out to be Martina Navratilova.

2002-09-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

I'M CRAZY GEORGE, AND MY PRICES ARE INSANE!!

Ticket prices to hear George Bush speak in Colorado were marked down, in one case to 10% of face value.

2002-09-28T07:37:00.000-07:00

A NEW IDEA ON IRAQ

"I had hoped that we could get to the point where we could pass a resolution this week on Iraq. But we really developed some physical problems, if nothing else. . . . So we have decided that the most important thing is not to move so quickly but to make sure that we have had all the right questions asked and answered and that we have available to us the latest information about what is . . . happening with our allies in the world.

"The Senate is known for its deliberate actions. And the longer I stay in the Senate, the more I have learned to appreciate it. It does help to give us time to think about the potential problems and the risks and the ramifications and to, frankly, press the administration."

Who said it? Daschle? Gephardt? Kennedy?

Nope. It was Trent Lott!

Seriously.

Of course, he said it in 1998, under President Bill Clinton.

2002-09-27T16:06:00.000-07:00

IS NEW YORK A HYPOCRITICAL TOWN?

Well, we’re about to find out. Remember back in 1999 when John Rocker made an ass of himself by simply opening his mouth? He ripped, among other things, foreigners, homosexuals, and people stricken with purple hair. New York was up in arms. Rocker became the most hated man in New York, and numerous death threats were made against the relief pitcher.

Now, Jeremy Shockey recently had this to say concerning homosexuals:

"No. I mean, if I knew there was a gay guy on my college football team, I probably wouldn't, you know, stand for it. You know, I think, you know, they're going to be in the shower with us and stuff, so I don't think that's gonna work."

You think The Big Apple is gearing up for another Rocker-like reaction to Shockey's comments? We doubt it, as Shockey plays tight end for the New York Giants.

2002-09-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

IS THIS EVEN LOGICAL?

Here's President Bush at another of the myriad fundraisers he's attended at 'this time of war':

PRESIDENT BUSH: There's no doubt his hatred is mainly directed at us. There's no doubt he can't stand us, after all this is the guy who tried to kill my dad at one time.

Now, let's see if we have this straight. Sadam Hussein has killed millions of Kurds, Iranians, and fired 39 scud missles at Israel during the Gulf War, and his hatred is directly mainly at us?

2002-09-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

A DAILY SHOW MOMENT

During Wednesday's The Daily Show, we got this exchange:

JOHN STEWART: The President also has a canny understanding of the equally volatile Israeli-Palestinian standoff, and the ramifications it has on peace throughout the entire region.

(Cut to video tape of President Bush)

PRESIDENT BUSH: We've got to promote the leadership that is willing to condemn terror and at the same time work toward the embetterment of of the lives of the Palestinian people.

STEWART: Powerful words but, can the embetterment of Palestine be achieved? For more we turn to The Daily Show's senior middle east analyst, Stephen Colbert, live from Jerusalem. Stephen?

COLBERT: Thank you, John. There's no question that the President's statement was one of great benoblement. But, ultimately, talk is encheapened and simply prowording the situation will not end the bedangerment. Never the irregardless, many in the Muslimated community are not unnondispleased that Bush has strongly destandified himself against what they perceive as Israeli precursionment.

STEWART: Stephen, I think we all understand that, but isn't there, in many peoples estimation, a certain amount of riskifying involved with this sort of bickbackering? Now, what if the Israeli peopleree become ascared of losing what I think you have to call their priniffashippalinked alley?

COLBERT: John, what part of embetterment don't you understand? The President could not have been going to have been more clear. The Israelis and the Palestinians are scared to the point of deshitment. And that is no way to live, John. I believe...I believe it was FDR Roosevelt who said 'We have nothing to befear but our own enfearment.' Truer words were never enspeechened.

2002-09-26T17:45:00.000-07:00

MATTHEWS CATCHES ON

Here's Chris Matthews on Donahue this evening:

MATTHEWS: I sometimes wish that George Bush, as much as I like him, had read more books before he met this (pro-war) crowd.

So do we, Chris. So do we.

2002-09-26T16:31:00.000-07:00

ANOTHER GEORGE BUSH CLASSIC

During Crossfire's political alert, we got another fabulous moment from our President:

REPORTER: Mr. President, do you believe that Sadam Hussein is a bigger threat to the United States than Al Qaeda?

PRESIDENT BUSH: Uh...(chuckle)...that's a uh...uh...that is a uh...interesting question...um...uh...I'm trying to think of something humorous to say...uh.

2002-09-26T16:19:00.000-07:00

BRING ON THE YANKEES!!

The Anaheim Angels beat the Texas Rangers 10-5 today to clinch their first playoff appearance since the fateful year of 1986. We'd just like to go on record as saying we had no doubt it would happen. It was in the bag the whole time.

2002-09-26T02:20:00.000-07:00

WE QUOTE, YOU DECIDE

Bill O'Reilly got a tad upset with a pair of freshman who read Approaching the Qur'án: The Early Revelations and didn't share his views about the book when we got this gem:

O'REILLY: But look gentleman, you're freshman. I've been through grad school twice and college. Here's what it is, any professor not giving you the whole story, any book that doesn't give you a balanced account, take it for what it's worth: an agenda-driven vehicle.

Gosh, to a more cynical watcher, it seems that Bill could have been talking about his own talk show, huh?

2002-09-25T23:44:00.000-07:00

IT ABSOLUTELY CANNOT HAPPEN!! (CAN IT?)

As Angel fans, we have been waiting patiently for the Angels to clinch their first playoff appearance in 16 years since Saturday. One single win, and the Angels are in. So, when the Halos lost Saturday, no big deal. Sunday's loss was slightly disconcerting, but nothing to get nervous about, right? Tuesday's loss, a 2-1 defeat at the hands of the Texas Rangers, was disappointing, and frankly, we became a bit nervous. Tonight's 4-3 loss to Texas has us down right concerned.

If the Angels lose the next 4 games, and the Mariners win the next 4, there will be a one game playoff in Seattle to determine the Wild Card team. We'll be the first to admit that if that were to happen, there is NO WAY the Angels will win that playoff game, so our beloved Angels had better win a game beforehand.

By the way, we would like to dispell the rumor that our staff and Matt Welch have entered into a mutual suicide pact should the Angels not make the playoffs. We'll probably do it, but there is no formal pact, or anything.

2002-09-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

DID TONY KNOW ABOUT THIS?

A story in today's LA Times begins with this paragraph:

Iraq will not be able to produce a nuclear weapon as long as U.N. sanctions remain effective, and Baghdad is at least five years away from building a workable nuclear device even if sanctions were removed, according to a dossier released Tuesday by the British government.

2002-09-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

IN ARGUENDO'S MOVIE REVIEW

We caught the movie Barbershop, and despite what Jesse Jackson says, it's good fun.

The movie is the story of Calvin, who inherited his father's barbershop, but yearns for other things. During the one day the movie depicts, Calvin comes to realize that the shop represents far more to the neighborhood than merely a place to get a haircut. Ice Cube, who is a better actor that he gets credit for, plays Calvin, but Cedric The Entertainer steals the show playing Eddie, a veteran barber who has an opinion on everything.

The problem with the movie, according to Jackson, is that the movie has some scenes disrespecting Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King. The movie also disrespects O.J. Simpson and Rodney King in the same scenes, but Jackson doesn't seem too upset about that.

The fact of the matter is, Barbershop IS a comedy, and it's pretty funny. The producers of the movie must be thrilled with Jackson causing a stink, because it clearly will jack up ticket sales. Jackson is requesting that the scenes that offend him should be cut from the video's and DVD's, and that would be a shame. Censorship is never a laughing matter, and that is exactly what Jackson ir promoting.

Overall, Barbershop is a cute little movie, and most people will probably get a laugh out of it.

2002-09-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

WELCOME TO REALITY, TOM

Tom Daschle suddenly grew some won-tons and accused President Bush of politicizing the war with Iraq. The only thing we are wondering is what took Daschle so long to figure that out.

2002-09-22T22:40:00.000-07:00

THIS WAS SCARY, UNTIL...

Reading our Sunday LA Times took a frightening turn this morning when, on the commentary page, we saw this headline:

Don't Snicker ... Bill Simon Could Actually Win

The first sentence was even scarier:

I predict Bill Simon Jr. will defeat Gray Davis.

Holy cow! Could this be real? Could we really be in danger of losing our wager with the overly sensitive Bill Quick over at The Daily Pundit?

Luckily, our hearts stopped racing when we saw who wrote the article. It was penned by Shawn Steel, who happens to be chairman of the California Republican Party.

Whew!

2002-09-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

ABOUT TIME!!

A Democrat has finally stepped up and said what we have believed all along. Senator Robert Byrd (D.-W. Va) laid out the Bush Administration yesterday on the Senate floor. Sadly, it seems, Bush's war with Iraq is inevitable.

2002-09-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

ALTERMAN'S QUESTIONS

Eric Alterman's new column in The Nation asks some very serious questions that really should be answered. However, this question just made us laugh:

Don't the terrorists win if we give up pot and hookers?

2002-09-20T12:28:00.000-07:00

WELL, NOW THAT MAKE SENSE

The New York Mets are currently 73-79, and in 4th place in the National League's Eastern Division, and now we see this.

Can't you just hear Mets fan Jeff Cooper at Coop'd Up saying 'I knew it!'

2002-09-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

AND HERE THEY ARE:

Forbes finally gives us the top 15 richest fictional people

Rank Name Net Worth
1. Santa Claus $ �‡
2. Richie Rich 24.7 billion
3. Oliver "Daddy" Warbucks 10 billion
4. Scrooge McDuck 8.2 billion
5. Thurston Howell III 8 billion
6. Willie Wonka 8 billion
7. Bruce Wayne 6.3 billon
8. Lex Luthor 4.7 billon
9. J.R. Ewing 2.8 billon
10. Auric Goldfinger 1.2 billon
11. C. Montgomery Burns 1 billon
12. Charles Foster Kane 1 billon
13. Cruella De Vil 875 millon
14. Gordon Gekko 650 millon
15. Jay Gatsby 600 millon

The really sad thing is that Mr. Burns would be ranked 10, not 11, if that evil Fidel Castro hadn't stolen the elusive 1 Billion-Dollar-Bill.

2002-09-19T22:12:00.000-07:00

ARE YOU KIDDING?

Is there any possible explanation for this?

2002-09-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

PEDOPHILE MURDERERS URGE:

VOTE REPUBLICAN!!

(Courtesy of The Smoking Gun, via MWO)

2002-09-19T06:59:00.000-07:00

WHY NOT HOWARD?

Here is yet another reason why we think Howard Dean would make a great Democratic candidate for president.

2002-09-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

WHAT ABOUT THAT GOOSE AND GANDER THING?

Today’s New York Post had a story by Brian Blomquist telling us exactly how much money Bill and Hillary Clinton are requesting to be reimbursed for their legal fees from the Whitewater investigation. The story got big play on CNN’s Inside Politics, including this exchange between Judy Woodruff and Tucker Carlson.

Woodruff: We’re gonna talk about a story in today’s New York Post where they got hold of papers from the New York Court of Appeals which show that 27 people, including former president Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton, are asking to be reimbursed for their legal fees. The Clinton’s asking for three and half million in Whitewater legal fees, but 25 other people, all the way from a White House usher to a policeman who found Vince Fosters body, all asking for their legal fees to be reimbursed by the government. Tucker, is this something the taxpayers should pick up?

Carlson: Well, you know, you ask yourself ‘How could it get more appalling than it already is?’ and here’s the answer. I mean, you know, one feels sorry for a low-level staffer swept up in a scandal and required to hire lawyers out of their own pocket, and I think you can make a really good case that they deserve to be reimbursed. But the Clintons, who will make an estimated 40 million dollars total by the end of next year, after leaving office are certified rich people, and the idea that this money, which incidentally comes from the Department of Justice’s budget, DOJ budget money, ought to go to them when they’ve had a legal defense fund and, again, they’re rich, is insulting, at least.

We mentioned this story when Blomquist first wrote about it August 3rd. We felt the talk show buzz was a little hypocritical to complain about the Clintons being LEGALLY reimbursed, while not mentioning that BILLIONAIRE Richard Mellon Scaife also requested reimbursement for his legal fees. Blomquist’s story on August 3rd mentioned Scaife, but the talk shows were only mentioning the Clintons.

What struck us as odd was today’s story in the Post didn’t even mention Scaife, or the fact that he was requesting at least $100,000 according to his attorney, Yale Gutnick.

We called Brian Blomquist, and he explained that he didn’t mention Scaife’s reimbursement request because it was still under seal, although he (Blomquist) personally requested it be unsealed. Mr. Blomquist said he didn’t know why it was still under seal when the Clinton’s request was not. But, he suggested, maybe Scaife's lawyer would know.

So, we called Yale Gutnick in Pennsylvania, and his initial response was that his client’s request was still sealed due to inaction on the request. Would that mean the Clinton’s request had been acted upon, we wondered. Mr. Gutnick said he would have no idea; he was only involved in his own client’s dealings. Further, because the request was still under seal, he could not disclose how much money Mr. Scaife was requesting.

It just seems strange to us that the amount the Clintons requested can be bandied about the New York Post, but Richard Mellon Scaife's request for part of the DOJ's budget doesn’t rate a mention.

2002-09-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

STICK A FORK IN HIM

Bill Simon is sooooo done. Here's his best chance of winning the California Governorship, according to Jack Pitney, a political-science professor at Claremont McKenna College and a former Republican congressional aide:

"With the Davis administration, there's always the chance of a fund-raising scandal," he said. "The thing to watch will be this: It's not that Simon can win the election, but Davis can still lose it."

Simon's best hope is for Davis to implode. California Republicans just have to be kicking themselves for throwing Dick Riordan overboard.

2002-09-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

YES WE CAN!!

Tonight the Anaheim Angels and the Oakland A's played a beautiful, wonderful, magical game of baseball. Angel ace Jarrod Washburn, and A's ace Mark Mulder swapped shutout inning after shutout inning for what seemed like forever. Finally, Tim Salmon got a hold of the only mistake made by a pitcher all night, a low fastball from Billy Koch, and hit a 10th inning home run to win the game for the Halos, 1-0.

The Angels now have a one game lead in the American League's Western Division, but still have two games left with the A's, so nothing is over yet. We, and all baseball fans, can only hope that the next two games are half as good as tonights contest.

2002-09-17T17:07:00.000-07:00

WE QUOTE, YOU DECIDE

Here's President Bush on Iraq's offer to allow inspectors back:

There is an old saying in Tennessee, I know it's in Texas, it's probably in Tennessee that says 'Fool me once...shame on...shame on you. If fooled me, you can't get fooled again.'

2002-09-17T16:14:00.000-07:00

BIZARRE E-MAIL OF THE DAY

Is it just us, or has anybody else received this e-mail?

Hello,

If you are a Time Traveler in possession of the Dimensional Warp Generator wrist watch, the Carbon Copy Replica model #52 4350 series or similar technology, I need a RELIABLE SOURCE! I would prefer someone with access to teleportation as well as a variety different types of time travel. I will also need a time transducing capacitor. Please send a (SEPARATE) email to me at: Ncolt@aol.com@aol.com if this applies to you.

For the record, we are NOT time travelers, and we have no access to any types of time travel. As for the time transducing capacitor, we have no comment.

2002-09-17T14:26:00.000-07:00

IN ARGUENDO’S MOVIE REVIEW

We finally got around to seeing One Hour Photo, and Robin Williams is as good as you have probably heard. Williams plays Sy Parrish, a photo technician for SavMart, a huge department store, and is flat out spooky. His obsession with the all-American family, the Yorkins, is unseemly and unsettling. At times, Williams will make the most serene viewer squirm in their seat.

However, as good as Williams is, and he is brilliant, the rest of the movie doesn’t keep up. Sadly, it seems that Williams’ character was the only one that isn’t run of the mill. Eric LaSalle (e.r.) plays an extremely forgettable detective, and Gary Coleman (Family Affair) plays an extremely forgettable SavMart manager.

The Yorkins, the object of Parrish’s obsession, are the perfect family on the outside, but have the same sort of problems that all families have on the inside.

The story starts out very intriguing, but, ruefully, it completely and utterly falls apart in the last 15 minutes. After the fizzling denouement, most viewers will ponder, “That’s it?” Unfortunately, yes, that’s it, an incredibly disappointing finish for a movie that starts with such promise.

Do yourself a favor. Save your 8 bucks, and wait for it to hit HBO.

2002-09-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

PUT UP OR SHUT UP

Adrian Wojnarowski at ESPN.com has it dead right, placing the blame for the St. Louis Rams 0-2 start squarely on the shoulders of head coach Mike Martz.

2002-09-15T22:15:00.000-07:00

THE COVER-UP IS A STORY

Last week we advised Media Whores Online, and other like minded websites, to leave the Noelle Bush story alone. We felt that it was merely a young woman making a mistake. It wasn't news worthy, and it wasn't our business.

Well, things have changed.

Now it appears there may be a cover up going on, and THAT is both news worthy and our business.

2002-09-15T21:19:00.000-07:00

WHEN LIFE IMITATES ART

President Andrew Sheppard in The American President: We have serious problems to solve, and we need serious people to solve them. And whatever your particular problem is, I promise you Bob Rumson is not the least bit interested in solving it. He is interested in two things, and two things only. Making you afraid of it and telling you who's to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections.

On a completely unrelated matter, 69% of the American people think that Iraq has nuclear weapons right this minute.

2002-09-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

THE SOFTER SIDE OF RUDY

Rudy Giuliani's abandonment of his God-awful comb-over is getting rave reviews. A Newsday poll gives Rudy's new do an +80% approval rating. Apparently, people like seeing the 'softer' side of the man who told his wife he wanted a divorce through a public press conference.

2002-09-14T13:45:00.000-07:00

IT JUST LOOKS BAD

Maybe there's nothing to it, but the timing sure looks suspicious. Bacardi, locked in a trademark dispute, gives Florida Republicans $50K. Two weeks later, Gov. Bush writes James Rogan, who was appointed to head the Patent and Trademark Office by President Bush, asking for a quick ruling in Bacardi's favor. 5 days later, Bacardi kicks Florida Republicans another $25K.

2002-09-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?

Toinight we find out, between two guys born in Southern California, who the 'real Mexican' is, when Oscar De La Hoya fights Fernando Vargas. Bill Plaschke explains in the LA Times why Vargas will win. Randy Harvey, also in the LA Times, explains why De La Hoya will win.

We don KNOW who will win, but we'll take a flyer on Vargas. He just seems nastier.

2002-09-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

THE BEST OF BAD TV

We don't know about you, but we love bad TV. Really bad TV. Like The Love Boat. Well, we finally got around to watching the premier of Family Affair, and we couldn't be more thrilled to tell you that it is the worst TV program we've ever seen.

With Tim Curry starring as Mr. French, we knew that we might have something really horrible in Family Affair, as we remember the show Over The Top (Has Curry said 'No' to any role since The Rocky Horror Picture Show?). But nothing could have prepared us for how really rotten this program is. Sadly, we don't have the vocabulary to really express the show's badness.

Of course, now that we have fallen in love with this incredibly subpar program, we expect it will be cancelled within 6 weeks.

2002-09-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

JUST WONDERING

But since President Bush is now such a big fan of the U.N. and their resolutions, are we going to war with EVERY country that has broken numerous U.N. resloutions?

Because next up would be a nation who has flouted U.N. resolutions for over 50 years, and possesses all three forbidden categories of weapons of mass destruction: nuclear, chemical and biological.

Oh, wait, that's Israel. Forget that we brought it up.

2002-09-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BAY'S BROTHER

Pat Buchanan, ordinarily, is kind of a nut who's opinion is chuckled about around the office here. However, proving the old adage that even a blind dog finds a bone every now and then, Buchanan gave us this pontification today:

Buchanan: Let me take you back to 1861, the height of the civil war, the beginning of the civil war, an American, a Union war ship intercepted a British merchant ship and took off two confederate agents, Mason and Slidell, brought them to Boston Harbor. American's went wild with celebration. But then the British said, 'Listen, give us Mason and Slidell back or you're going to be at war with the British Empire'. Mr. Lincoln meekly complied and gave Mason and Slidell back to the British, and told his cabinet why. He said 'Gentlemen, one war at a time.' The United States is now at war in Afghanistan, we're at war here at home, there are jets flying over our home town right here in D.C. Is not one war at a time wise advice? We could, it wouldn't be a cakewalk in Iraq, but we would win. But do we really need a third war right now, or can we contain and deter Saddam Husein the way we did Stalin, Breshnev, and Mao Tse-tung? So American's ought to think about it. Do we want a third war, or should it be one war at a time.

Is it just us, or is Pat, for some unexplained reason, making sense?

2002-09-12T10:13:00.000-07:00

PEER-TO-PEER NETWORK BILL UPDATE!!

When last we left the discussion concerning the peer-to-peer network bill introduced by our Congressman, Howard Berman, we had gained some insight into the matter, but, along with several readers, had some more questions. Naturally, we turned the questions over to Alec French, the Minority Counsel on the House Judiciary Sub-Committee on Courts, Internet, and Intellectual Property (MCHJSCCIIP). Here are the questions posed to Alec French, and his answers in their entirety.

Question #1: Whitey, are you really that naive? Current copyright law gives copyright owners the ability to obtain court injunctions to stop distribution of pirated materials. What the new bill does is allow copyright owners to engage in "self-help" without a court order. To play silly analogies, if you are a landlord and someone doesn't pay rent, you are not allowed to throw them into the street without a court hearing. Robin Roberts

Alec French Responds: There are many circumstances today where a property owner is allowed to protect their property against theft or misappropriation without a court order. If you don't like the bike analogy, there are many others. If someone picks my pocket, I can chase them down the street and assault them without fear of liability, and without a court order, as long as I only use necessary force in getting my property back. While a satellite company could initiate a lawsuit against someone who is illegally accessing its programming signal, that company can also - without a court order and without fear of liability - send electronic countermeasures through its signal to prevent the illegal theft of that signal by "frying" counterfeit program cards.

Further, I would note that because H.R. 5211 only provides copyright owners with a DEFENSE against a claim of liability, it in no way limits the role of courts in supervising their activities. In other words, today if a copyright owner used self-help technologies to stop P2P piracy, the pirate would potentially have the ability to sue the copyright owner under a variety theories, including violations of 18 USC 1030. Passage of H.R. 5211 doesn't change this dynamic, or the involvement of the courts. That pirate would still be able to sue the copyright owner, but now the copyright owner would potentially be able to raise as a defense that their activities fell within the safe harbor, and the court would be charged with evaluating the applicability of the defense. Same court involvement, same claims, but now the court would have to evaluate an additional defense by the copyright owner.

Lastly, it is just laughable to suggest copyright infringement suits are an adequate solution to deal with billions of illegal files traded monthly by 200 million or more P2P users. ISPs resist identifying P2P pirates, P2P pirates are online so fleetingly that building a case is next to impossible, and the P2P systems are constantly evolving with the specific design imperative of thwarting suits (encryption and decentralization are two examples of such evolutions.) Further, the cost of individual suits would be astronomical to the court system, ISPs responding to court orders, copyright owners, and defendants and their privacy. In the end, such suits on their own would not make a dent in the piracy.

Frankly, anyone suggesting copyright infringement suits as the sole solution to online piracy does not want to see a solution....they just want to make it impossible to stop the piracy.

Question # 2: I still don't understand why this bill is necessary. What powers does this bill grant copyright owners that they didn't have previously? To go back to the stolen bike analogy Mr. French offered, weren't you allowed to stand on the sidewalk before? Hari Nair

Alec French Responds: Let me explain the bike analogy further. Under current law, I absolutely have the right to stand on the sidewalk and stop other people from taking my bike. I also have the right to take my bike back from someone's yard EVEN THOUGH entry into that yard would otherwise constitute trespassing. If I am recovering my stolen property, I have no liability for trespassing in that yard. However, due to the overbroad anti-hacking statutes, a copyright owner doesn't have a corresponding power to take back their property, much less the corresponding ability to stand on the sidewalk....i.e. on the P2P network....and prevent others from stealing their copyrighted works. H.R. 5211 would give copyright owners the equivalent ability to stand on that sidewalk and stop the illegal distribution of their works, but would NOT allow copyright owners to seize their stolen property back from someone's hard drive. In other words, H.R. 5211 doesn't even give a copyright owner the same powers that a bike owner has.

Question #3: I think the point that Alec French, the Berman FAQ, and you are collectively missing is that the remedies available to copyright holders are never really defined. What are they going to do to "watch the bike" that they can't already do? It's not against hacking laws to post fake garbage files that are filled with X's and named after popular mp3s. Failing this, and failing actually bombing the "culprit" off the net and/or damaging files, what's left? Am I missing something? Please cut the analogies which don't work -- what will copyright vigilantes be able to do that they can't already? Sam

Alec French Responds: What are the types of actions that will be given a safe harbor from liability under H.R. 5211?

The bill does not address any specific technologies, methods or techniques with good reason. Mr. Berman does not believe that the law should mandate or favor particular technologies. Further, he understands the fruitlessness of writing technology-specific legislation that will be obsolete as soon as someone engineers around that technology.

Instead of referring to a particular technology, H.R. 5211 defines the particular function that any technology must perform to qualify for the safe harbor. No matter what the technology, if you use it to perform the function described in H.R. 5211 - and ONLY the function described in H.R. 5211 - then your use of that technology will not subject you to liability.

The bill is quite clear as to the function for which it provides immunity from liability. It clearly states that a copyright owner shall not be liable for impairing the illegal distribution of her copyrighted works on a public P2P network. So no matter what technology you use, you will not be liable for impairing the illegal distribution of your copyrighted works through a public P2P network. However, you may STILL be liable for ANYTHING else that you did while using that technology if those actions are potentially be illegal.

For example, let's assume a copyright owner engages in a DOS against a corporate network and brings it down, ostensibly because one corporate client computer is making her copyrighted photographs available on Morpheus. Under H.R. 5211, the copyright owner would remain fully liable for bringing down that corporate network, but would be immune from any liability that might arise from stopping the trading of the copyrighted photographs.

On the other hand, let's assume that the copyright owner employs a technology that can target only the copyrighted photographs, and prevent them from being traded, without bringing down the corporate network or doing any other damage. In that case, H.R. 5211 would provide the copyright owner with full immunity from liability for what could otherwise be found a DOS under some of the state statutes and possibly 18 U.S.C. 1030.

To use analogies further, look at it this way. If I kill you after finding you in flagrante delicto with my wife, I probably have a defense against a charge of murder in the first degree because my actions were not premeditated and thus do not satisfy the elements that must be shown to prove the crime. However, I may still be liable for murder in the second degree. The fact that my actions do not subject me to liability for one crime do not mean that I am immune under the other.

I am perplexed as to why some in the tech community can't get their heads around this concept. After all, I understand it is common practice in RFPs for technology products to describe the functions the desired technology is to perform, and then technologists go off to create technologies that meet those functional specifications. H.R. 5211 intends to spur the same kind of technological development. Any technologies copyright owners and enterprising technologists can create to perform ONLY the function described in H.R. 5211 will be immune from liability. However, if those technologies perform other functions that are currently illegal - like bringing down networks or knocking people offline - then the use of those technologies will still create liability.

In summary, I say yet again that H.R. 5211 only says what it says: it immunizes from liability the specific actions described by it, and doesn't provide a safe harbor for any other actions. That is the only logical way to read the legislation. Folks who argue otherwise are essentially saying, "the bill allows a copyright owner to do anything as long as one effect of their actions is to stop illegal file-trading. Thus, a copyright owner could burn down a file-trader's house, and wouldn't be liable for arson under H.R. 5211, as long as that arson stopped illegal file-trading." This is patently absurd.

Whatever your feelings about the bill, you have to admire Alec French for taking the time to attempt to answer questions from some podunk little website like ours.

2002-09-10T16:11:00.000-07:00

HAVE A GREAT 9-11-02

Tomorrow, marking the memory of the terrorist's attack on America, is a day when people should be remembering the tragedy in their own way. That's what we'll be doing, and we hope you are too. We won't be posting, and frankly, we hope you're not reading. Go be with your family, or friends and we can get back to political bickering and cheap shots come Thursday.

2002-09-10T16:05:00.000-07:00

WHAT IF IT WERE CHELSEA?

OK, consider this: It's 1996, and Chelsea Clinton is found to be in possession of some crack. The right-wingers would be going nuts about the decline in the moral fabric of the nation due to Bill and Hillary Clinton. Leftward leaning Blogs, like Media Whores Online, would go absolutely ballistic, claiming the right-wingers are playing politics with a bad choice by a young girl, and that it has absolutely nothing to do with the moral fabric of the nation. And we would heartily agree.

But, change it to 2002, and make it Jeb Bush's daughter, and Media Whores Online can't get enough of it. Hey, we love MWO, but sometimes they are wrong. And this is one of those occasions. Noelle Bush's problems have nothing to do with politics, and Media Whores Online (and many other Bloggers and news services) ought to leave this one alone.

It's not newsworthy, and it's not any of our business.

2002-09-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

IT'S NOT JUST US

We pulled a really unfair trick on Bruce Rolston, by fact checking the articles that he referenced in a recent post. Basically, we claimed that Rolston mis-quoted, mis-attributed, and mis-represented the articles that he did NOT originally link to. To prove our point, we picked one article, tracked it down, and showed that Rolston was playing fast and loose with the truth.

It turns out, we weren't the only one's suspicious of Rolston. Ampersand at "Alas, A Blog" did the same thing with a different article.

Funny thing, though. While Bruce has no problem delivering criticism to people, he doesn't care for it much. He deleted several comments from his blog that actually criticized him.

2002-09-10T13:24:00.000-07:00

IN ARGUENDO'S MOVIE REVIEW

Today, The In Arguendo staff caught a two-fer, as the C.E.O. was out of the office all day, and he left the drawer holding the petty cash unlocked. Naturally, the staff did the only reasonable thing. We stole enough money to go see Michael Moore's documentary Bowling For Columbine.

The film, which is only playing in a limited number of theatres to qualify for the Academy Awards, is powerful and moving. At times, it's rip-roaring, gut-busting, laugh-out-loud hilarious. At other times, it's so sad that it will bring a tear to the eye of everybody.

The movie is a disturbing look at the love affair between America and guns (yes, we know Bloggers like Bruce Rolston will call this America-bashing). While the flick does have some extremely sad and sickening film clips from the Columbine massacre, the movie is more about how and why guns are so popular and widespread in our country. Why, Moore asks, does the America have more gun murders than England, Germany, Austrailia, Canada, and a bunch of other countries combined?

Moore never really finds his answer, but it's clear that Americans do own more guns than any other nation, and we have more gun related murders than any other nation.

The answer seems pretty clear to us.

The movie won't change the minds of anybody. If you're pro-gun, you'll still be pro-gun after seeing the movie. However, we don't think that will be a problem. Outside of our staff, there were 3 other people in the theatre.

Take our word for it. Bowling For Columbine was certainly worth the risk of embezzling the ticket money from our boss.

2002-09-09T23:55:00.000-07:00

QUOTABLE QUOTE

Here's our favorite political quote of the day, if not the entire election cycle:

"I really don't want the press to get this."

Who said it? Griffith Simon, California gubernatorial candidate Bill Simon's 9-year-old son, who was busy trying to rid his shirt of red stains from his snow cone.

2002-09-09T13:01:00.000-07:00

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF THE PENNANT RACE!!

The Oakland A's, winners of 20 of their last 21 games, invade Edison International Field to face the Anaheim Angels, winners of their last ten games. The A's lead the Angels by 2 games in the race for the American League's Western Division. THIS is what baseball is all about.

2002-09-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING AT ITS WORST (UPDATE)

Max Sawicky points out that Blog readers must beware when reading Blogs. His sage advice is to actually check the link, when it is provided, to make sure the Blog is accurately representing the substance of what they are referring to. We heartily agree.

Now, we took Bruce Rolston to task for NOT providing links in a recent post, and it seems Bruce had a good reason for not providing the links. Because he was badly misquoting and paraphrasing the writer’s he was criticizing.

Let’s take a look at how Rolston describes the article written by Lynda Hurst (it actually appeared in the Toronto Sun, not The Globe And Mail, but since Rolston only claimed the stories were from ‘Canada’s largest newspaper’, Matt Welch and we assumed it was The Globe And Mail):

*Lynda Hurst writes how America's press has been censored and suppressed since Sept. 11. "Serious journalists who sought a less myopic perspective on the war were handicapped from the start by the emergence of patriotism into the picture that's never entirely been excised." Patriotism? Didn't we get rid of that with the Nazis? Serious coverage of Guantanamo bay and the "human rights violations of hundreds of detained Muslims, many of them U.S. citizens" is not being written because "it wouldn't be welcomed by the public." Neither is the "multi-layered backdrop" to the Sept. 11 attacks. "There has been less access to information in this war than all others before," she writes, apparently in total ignorance of her subject matter. "Americans expect the news to reflect their own point of view." Those silly Americans! Fortunately, she adds, the BBC World News and the Canadian CBC still make a "valiant effort to give the other side of the story."

Omitting the first eight words certainly misrepresents the first ‘quote’. Here’s Rolston’s quote:

"Serious journalists who sought a less myopic perspective on the war were handicapped from the start by the emergence of patriotism into the picture that's never entirely been excised."

Here’s how it appeared in print:

Commentators on both sides of the border say serious journalists who sought a less myopic perspective on the war were handicapped from the start by the emergence of patriotism into the picture that's never entirely been excised.

Hurst is writing something that apparently has been said by commentators in America and Canada, but that is far less powerful for Rolston’s rant against the author. It’s more damning to attribute the quote to Hurst herself.

Here’s Rolston’s second quote:

Serious coverage of Guantanamo bay and the "human rights violations of hundreds of detained Muslims, many of them U.S. citizens" is not being written because "it wouldn't be welcomed by the public."

Here’s how it appeared in print:

Reporters continue to stay off hot-button topics such as the fate of the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay or the rights violations of hundreds of detained Muslims, many of them U.S. citizens. "They've been very quiet about that," he says. "They find it difficult because it wouldn't be welcomed by the public."

Who’s the ‘he’ Hurst is quoting? Anthony Collings, a former CNN and Newsweek foreign correspondent now teaching communications at the University of Michigan.

Did Hurst write, as Rolston charges, that:

"Americans expect the news to reflect their own point of view."

Technically, yes she did. BUT she was quoting Stephen Hess, the ex-presidential adviser and Brookings senior fellow.

Now, we are not saying that Hurst wrote a perfect article, or that we agree with it entirely. However, we do realize that purposely misquoting and misattributing a writer’s words is not right. Rolston proves himself over and over to be nothing but a Blogging hack.

2002-09-09T02:37:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING AT ITS WORST

A post over at Matt Welch's blog caught our eye with this headline: Anniversary-Related America-Bashing in Sunday’s Toronto Globe and Mail and referred us to Bruce Rolston's Blog, Flit. Rolston has a lengthy post concerning eight, count 'em, eight stories where America is bad-mouthed, chidded, and debased for OUR role in the 9-11 terror attacks. The post has quotes from each author, and comments from Rolston, who at times shows amazing psychic powers with his ability to read each writer's mind. (Here's but one example: "This is still a one-superpower world and no terrorist outfit has so far succeeded in changing that," Oakland Ross writes, clearly disappointedly.)

There's only one problem.

Rolston didn't link to a single article.

Further, Rolston doesn't, exactly, say where the quotes come from. He attributes everything to 'Canada's largest newspaper'. Welch took him to mean The Globe And Mail. We spent the better part of an hour scouring The Globe And Mail website, and couldn't find a single article that was referred to.

Now, we are NOT saying that the articles weren't printed, or that the quotes aren't taken verbatim. But we ARE saying that if you are going to pretty much trash a writer's name (and make no mistake, that is exactly what Rolston does) you owe it to the writer, and your readers, to provide a link so that free thinking folks can read the writer's entire piece, rather than relying on selected quotes.

Matt Welch may disagree, but we feel that Rolston hurt his case by not providing links to the articles he was quoting from. His readers, certainly, deserve better.

2002-09-07T17:29:00.000-07:00

IS JOHN GRISHAM A RACIST?

We are hearing that insiders in Hollywood think so. Why? Well, he sold his book, The Runaway Jury, and got cast approval. A deal was either in place, or was iminent, for Will Smith to play the male lead. Grisham nixed that idea. So, a whispering campaing about Grisham, 'a good old boy from Mississippi' as he was referred to by one studio higher-up, being anti-black is making the rounds.

Grisham had to dump Smith because he was black, right? It couldn't have been that Will Smith is nothing more than a former rapper who has never revealed any acting talent whatsoever, could it?

2002-09-06T12:25:00.000-07:00

STEALING CALIFORNIA?

Don't you get the feeling that if the Bill Simon campign for Governor were made into a movie, Tom Green would be playing the candidate? Yesterday, Simon spent the day trying to both disavow and embrace gay rights in California, while getting pummeled by the press in the Bay Area.

Today, longtime conservative Lyn Nofziger denounced Simon as "inept, weak ... and too dumb" to beat incumbent Democrat Gray Davis, according the this morning's LA Times.

Actually, it gets even better. Earlier in the summer, the Simon campaign announced Nofziger was described as a 'senior advisor' to Team Simon. Then Nofziger writes on a conservative website:

"Californians now are going to have a clear choice when they go to the polls to elect a governor this November," Nofziger wrote.

"They can reelect an inept, corrupt incumbent Democrat named Gray Davis," he added. "Or they can elect an inept, weak and not very bright Republican named Bill Simon. Take your pick. But be smart. Bet on Davis. Simon is too dumb to win and his senior consultant, Sal Russo, isn't much better."

Sadly, as bad as Simon is, and he is a very, very bad candidate, he's running against an almost as bad candidate. Maybe, while Green is playing Simon, David Arquette could play Davis.

2002-09-05T21:22:00.000-07:00

REILLY VERSUS RYAN

Flat out, Rick Reilly is the funniest sportswriter in America. In this week's issue of Sports Illustrated, Reilly tells of how he got to take three at bats versus Nolan Ryan. Here's how part of it went:

On the next pitch, parts of my body were in mutiny.

Feet: Screw this. We're out of here.

Me: Please stay. At least until he starts his windup?

Colon: Uh, we may have a problem.

If Reilly doesn't make you laugh out loud, you might want to check your pulse.

2002-09-05T12:22:00.000-07:00

A REAL WHODUNIT

Teenagers Alex and Derek King are on trial in Florida for allegedly murdering their father. In a related matter, King family friend Ricky Chavez just faced trial for the very same crime. The jury returned a verdict, but it is sealed until after the trail of the two teenangers.

Now we know it is legal, but we have a hard time with the idea of Prosecutors arguing, in two different trials, two different theories of the case. We would love to hear Glenn Reynolds' (Instapundit) or Jeff Cooper's (Cooped Up) take on this matter, as they are certified legal eagles. It just seems to us that Prosecutors ought to KNOW what they think happened, rather than just spray a machine gun and take out as many as people as possible.

2002-09-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

58-1

We don't want to sound un-patriotic, but nothing could have been better for the sport of basketball than the USA losing to Argentina yesterday in the World Championships. The loss, the first for the USA in 59 tries, will add foreign interest to the sport, and MAY get the attention of the USA players who seemed to have been bored over the last few Championships.