Saturday, October 05, 2002

START SPREADING THE NEWS, THEY'RE LEAVING TODAY

New York sent out a baseball team, and Anaheim returned them as just a bunch of guys who did seasonal work together. So, how long does the yellow brick road go for the Angels? Well, who says it has to end?

Friday, October 04, 2002

THE RALLY MONKEY STRIKES!!

The Anaheim Angels unleashed the mysterious yet wonderful Rally Monkey on the New York Yankees tonight. Trailing 6-1, the Halos scored 8 unanswered runs and took a 2-1 lead in the ALDS. We hate to be the town crier, and we are rooting for the Angels as much as anybody, but it should be noted that the Angels are a miserable 0-6 in games they could clinch a playoff series. And the Yankees know what it takes to win with their backs against the wall. Sadly, we can almost see Jeter, Giambi, The Rocket smiling themselves, and whispering 'We got 'em right where we want 'em.'

Let's hope some new history is made this weekend.

IS IT SAFE?

Ben Shapiro proves that 13-year-old columnists are so a good idea. His latest effort solves the Iraq crisis. Gentle Ben does it with a deep and compelling comparison of the motion picture The Marathon Man and the motion picture Darkman. Seriously.
DUEL TALK CRAZY? NOT SO FAST...

Iraqi Vice President Taha Yassin Ramadan suggested that the United States and Iraq settle their dispute with a duel. The mainstream press, and the White House laughed this offer away as pure nonsense. But is it?

What better way for George W. Bush to vent his pent-up rage over Sadam Hussein trying to knock off his old man than to beat the snot out of old Saddam. Bush is always releasing his amazing physical results, right? Well, let's take that resting pulse of 44 out for a spin. Frankly, Bush would pound Hussein into the dirt. In a winner-take-oil grudge match, we'd come out way ahead. And President Bush would certainly assure himself reelection by opening a can of whoopass on Sadam.

It might be time for Karl Rove to rethink this duel deal.

HONEST ABE

Senator Robert Byrd gave us a brilliant quote from Abraham Lincoln:

Representative Abraham Lincoln, in a letter to William H. Herndon, stated: "Allow the President to invade a neighboring nation whenever he shall deem it necessary to repel an invasion, and you allow him to do so whenever he may choose to say he deems it necessary for such purpose - - and you allow him to make war at pleasure. Study to see if you can fix any limit to his power in this respect, after you have given him so much as you propose. If, to-day, he should choose to say he thinks it necessary to invade Canada, to prevent the British from invading us, how could you stop him? You may say to him, 'I see no probability of the British invading us' but he will say to you 'be silent; I see it, if you don't.'

"The provision of the Constitution giving the war-making power to Congress, was dictated, as I understand it, by the following reasons. Kings had always been involving and impoverishing their people in wars, pretending generally, if not always, that the good of the people was the object. This, our Convention understood to be the most oppressive of all Kingly oppressions; and they resolved to so frame the Constitution that no one man should hold the power of bringing this oppression upon us. But your view destroys the whole matter, and places our President where kings have always stood."
WERDMULLER DECLARES FOR '06!!

While most political hopefuls tend to wait until the last election is over before declaring their own candidacy, most people aren't Ben Werdmuller. Werdmuller, who's platform seems to be based upon his being a resident of California, has announced he will run for the office of Governor. We can honestly say that Werdmuller is our clear cut favorite of all of the announced candidates for the '06 race.
WHAT IS THERE TO SAY?

Here's the headline: Woman pleads guilty to fraud after claiming husband died at in 9-11 attack

Clearly, no comment is neccessary.
ROOSTER ATTACK SUSPECT NABBED!!

Rockadoodle Two, the rampaging rooster who made a name for himself by attacking 2 year Dechardonae Gaines, has been captured and is now in custody. Rockadoodle Two, and his sister, Hen, were grabbed during a daring mid-day raid where the meanspirited rooster had been holed up under a nearby house. Naturally, Rockadoodle Two, who has been quoted as saying that the cops wouldn't take him alive, led authorities on a multy-yard chase that finally ended when one police officers 'tackled him'. "This was no scrawny rooster," the officer said.

Sadly, this is not the first time tragedy has struck the Rockadoodle family. Rockadoodle Two's father, Rockadoodle, and mother, one-legged Henny Penny, 'lived in the neighborhood until their deaths by pit bull and heat stroke, respectively'.




THE RIGHT WING BAY AREA

A new survey shows that Los Angeles is more liberal than San Francisco. Suck on that, you liberal-wannabes up north!
AHEAD OF THE CURVE

In July, we surmised that Phil Donahue does his best work in front of a live audience, and the bigwigs at MSNBC would do well to get him there on a daily basis. That is one of several changes being discussed at the allegedly fiercely independent network. Also being pondered: banishing Banfield and nuking Nachman.

Thursday, October 03, 2002

THE WORLD'S FUNNIEST JOKE?

According to MSNBC:

“A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

“The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’

“The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: ’Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

“There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: ‘OK, now what?”
A DAILY SHOW RETRACTION

John Stewart: Yesterday, very quickly, I may have alluded to Reese Witherspoon's dark, criminal past. Something about shady business dealings, unaccounted for bodies, a river of blood winding itself back to her. On advice from counsel, I would like to say I regret that, and would like to move on.
UPON FURTHER REVIEW...

Matthew Yglesias takes The West Wing to task by misinterpreting last night's episode. Matthew asks:

Did they really have Jed Bartlett get on stage and suggest that the solution to the terrorism problem was ... higher teacher salaries?

Well, Jed Bartlett was talking about acts of terrorism performed by AMERICANS, and the idea that better education for American students can't be a bad thing, right? Here's Bartlett's remarks:

President Bartlett: 'Joy cometh in the morning', scripture tells us. I hope so. I don't know if life would be worth living if it didn't. And I don't yet know who set off the bomb at Kennison State. I don't know if it's one person or ten, and I don't know what they want. All I know for sure, all I know for certain is that they weren't born wanting to do this. There's evil in the world. There'll always be and we can't do anything about that. But there's violence in our schools, too much mayhem in our culture and we can do something about that. There's not enough character, discipline and depth in our classrooms. There aren't enough teachers in our classrooms. There isn't nearly enough, not nearly enough, not nearly enough money in our classrooms and we can do something about that. We're not doing nearly enough, not nearly enough to teach our children well. And we can do better and must do better and we will do better. And we will start this moment, today. They weren't born wanting to do this.

So, Bartlett was saying that more education in this country could certainly help curb the in-bred terrorism problem. Bartlett wins that one.

Matthew also goes on to dismiss Josh and Toby's idea for making all college expenses tax deductable. Matt sure seems to know this subject pretty well, and we don't, but to our untrained eye, it seems like a good idea. All college expenses, capped out at $80,000 per child, being tax deductable? It sure sounds good to us.

Overall, Mr. Yglesias' tone gives one the idea that he's disappointed with The West Wing thus far into the season. On that, we must agree. For some reason or another, this season's episodes (both of them) have been somewhat sub-par.

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

LET THE BUYER BE WARY

Patrick Goldstein has a funny and somewhat pathetic story of movie studios posting messages, posing as mere movie fans mind you, promoting their own movies. Check out these messages pushing several Universal Pictures flicks that were traced directly back to Universal Pictures:

On May 30, filmfreak234 wrote: "Lemme just say that I really can't wait to see undercover brother ... am I alone here? For one it looks hella funny, and two its got denise richards. You just can't get better than that combo!!!! Apparently harry knowles thinks so too. You know, from aintitcool.com. He said it was the bomb. If you wanna see what he wrote check out www.aintitcool.com and look for it on your own ... I'm definitely stoked for this one."

On July 9, fangoria17 wrote, enthusing about "The Silence of the Lambs": "I can't wait until the prequel Red Dragon comes out this fall. I watched the trailer for it at http://www.apple.com/trailers and it got me really excited. Check it out and tell me what you think."

Aside from the ethical lapses of the sudios, does anybody fall for these messages?


THE TOP TEN POOREST CITIES

Based on the poverty rates:

1) Miami

2) Newark

3) New Orleans

4) Buffalo

5) Cleveland

6) Fresno

7) St. Louis

8) Atlanta

9) Philadelphia

10) El Paso
SPEAKING OF IRAQ

The President: It has waged a war against its neighbors, it has sponsored and sheltered terrorists, it has developed weapons of math death.

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

REVENGE OF THE NERD

get donkey spanks that ass!
WHO'LL STAND UP FOR THE HALOS?

Jim Caple gives us 10 reasons to root for the Twins in the Amrican League Playoffs, and Eric Neel offers 10 1/5 reasons to root for the A's. So, who will stand up for the Anaheim Angels? Usually, it's Matt Welch, but he's too busy scalping playoff tickets, so it falls to us. Here now are the 11 reasons to root for the Anaheim Angels:

1) They're playing the Yankees.

2) The Angels shortstop, David Eckstein, looks like he's 14 years old.

3) The Angels dumped Mo Vaughn.

4) The Angels are watched over by the bizarre Rally Monkey.

5) The Angels battled back after starting the season 6-14.

6) They're playing the Yankees.

7) The Angels do all of the little things well.

8) The Angels are 0-6 in games that can clinch a playoff series. They're due!

9) The Angels fans really have suffered.

10) It would be the 'feel-good' story of the fall.

11) They're playing the Yankees.
WHAT AN OPENING!

Here's the initial paragraph in a must-read story by Bill Decker:

Twenty-three months ago - give or take a couple - George W. Bush successfully built a broad-based coalition of nearsighted Florida voters and five Supreme Court justices to win the White House with a landslide minority.

Let's see how he's doing so far:
THE MORE THINGS CHANGE...

16 years ago, the California Angels made their last playoff appearance and opened up in Boston facing Roger Clemens.

Tonight, the Anaheim Angels play their first playoff game in more than a decade and a half, and they open up in New York facing, naturally, Roger Clemens.

Since the '86 Angels smoked Clemens like a crack pipe, winning 8-1, we hope history keeps repeating itself.

Monday, September 30, 2002

DID THE DEMS PULL A RABBIT FROM A HAT?

The Daily Kos has a very bright outlook for the Democrat's chances in the New Jersey Senate race. It sounds perfectly believable.
THE WORST THING ABOUT BUSY, BUSY, BUSY...

...is that they don't post often enough. This effort is so on the money it's scary.
IT JUST LOOKS BAD

Today, Chief Circuit Judge Belvin Perry ruled that the privacy rights of a drug treatment patient (namely, Noelle Bush) outweighs the interest of police officers in a criminal investigation. Based on the ruling, employees for the Center for Drug-Free Living cannot be compelled to answer questions concerning the allegation that Noelle was in possession of some crack cocaine. Well, that is certainly subject to debate, and smart people can clearly disagree on that legal point.

However, it clearly is unseemly that Judge Perry's cousin, Ken Allison, is with the Center for Drug-Free Living's Drug Court program. Judge Perry did NOT inform the attorneys in the case of the familial tie, as he didn't think it was relevant.

It sure seems sort of relevant to us.

Sunday, September 29, 2002

CAN MIKE MARTZ GET ANY STUPIDER?

The St. Louis Rams are now 0-4, and at least three of their losses can be directly traced to head coach Mike Martz. Coming into today, we thought we'd seen every possible way that Martz could lose a game for the Rams, and naturally, underestimated the brain-dead coach.

Today, the Rams were locked in a 10-10 tie with the Dallas Cowboys with 1:40 to play. The Rams had the ball on the Cowboys 25-yard line, third and three. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist, or even a child who plays with rockets, to understand that all the Rams needed to do was RUN the ball up the middle on third down, and if they don’t make the first, kick the field goal to win.

What does Martz do? He, naturally, orders a pass. Backup QB Jaime Martin gets sacked for a 7-yard loss. The field goal attempt, which was now 49 yards rather than 42, hits the upright and bounces wide. Of course the Cowboys moved down the field in the last 1:27, and kicked the game-winning field goal on the last play of the game.

The Rams’ season is now, officially, over. They ought to save themselves some time and fire Martz today. There’s no point in keeping on a coach who continually puts his own ego ahead of winning games. It’s not fair to the players, and it sure ain’t fair to the Rams’ fans.
THE NASHVILLE SCENE?

Apparently there is one.

Now despite our views on the possiblity of an actual 'scene' in Nashville, the website by the same name has a great article on our President including this ironic passage:

Why did President Bush visit East Literature Magnet School last week on his fundraising trip to Nashville? "Because this is a center of excellence, a school that refuses to leave any child behind," was his politically familiar explanation. There's more:

* As the commander-in-chief spoke to 200 students and 300 invited adult guests, 400 students in the school's fifth through 12th grades were, er, left behind in their classrooms on "lockdown," a word normally reserved for occasions of violence or dangerous intruders.

WHICH FAMOUS HOMOSEXUAL ARE YOU?

The good, yet somewhat bizarre, folks over at Rum And Monkey have an 11 question quiz that will tell you which famous homosexual you really are. Seriously.

It turns out that our C.E.O. is actually Mychal Judge, the chaplain to the New York Fire Department who was tragically killed when one of the World Trade Centre towers collapsed on September 11, 2001.

Further, while he won't admit it, Matt Welch turns out to be Martina Navratilova.
I'M CRAZY GEORGE, AND MY PRICES ARE INSANE!!

Ticket prices to hear George Bush speak in Colorado were marked down, in one case to 10% of face value.