Saturday, August 03, 2002

10 BUCKS YOU WON'T GO SMOKE CRACK WITH THAT HOMELESS GUY

We all get a kick out of the show Ed, and, naturally we are all saddened by this news. Let's hope it was all a misunderstanding.
LOOK OUT! HE'S GOT A DONUT!!

'America Junior' is what Homer Simpson calls Canada, but this bizarre tale is second to none. Vancouver police arrested a man for not eating his cake when they said so, pounced on another man who looked like the first guy with the cake, and impounded a car because it may have had pies in the trunk. Seriously.
HEY SATAN, COME ON IN!

The Detroit City Council finalized plans to allow legalized gambling at three city casinos. City officials patted each other on the back for agreeing to a deal that will bring 2.2 billion to the city over the next 30 years. A spokesman for Organized Crime publicly thanked the city of Detroit for the hundreds of billions of dollars that will begin being siphoned out of the local economy as soon as the first construction contract is signed.
SHE SHOOTS, SHE SCORES!

Bitter Girl offers up this list of Children's Books That Will Never Be Published:

1. You Are Different And That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
25. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
26. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

For the record, our favorite is #10.

FULL DISCLOSURE DEPARTMENT

On the morning of July 18th, just before Secretary Of The Army Thomas White testified before the Senate Commerce Committee, we predicted that Mr. White had 10 days before he would no longer be the Secretary Of The Army. Clearly, we were wrong, but in our own defense, we didn't expect the Democrats to drop the ball like Bill Buckner in Game 6.
A LOSE-LOSE-LOSE SITUATION

If you were attempting to make it through your day without tears coming to your eyes, we would advise steering clear of this Boston Globe story about Carol Carr. Mrs. Carr saw her husband whither away and die from Huntington's disease, and then saw members of her husbands family follow the same path. When her two grown son's developed Huntington's disease, and frankly lost what lives they had, Mrs Carr killed her two boys as they lay in bed. Now prosecutors are faced with what to do with this 63 year old woman who's entire life has been devistated.

Friday, August 02, 2002

GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD RUBISH

It is quite clear, not that it really wasn't before, that Gary Condit has no shame. Here is a San Francisco Examiner report on how Condit paid his children $100k from his PAC funds. How long until he becomes a distant memory?
NO WAY REGIS PUTS UP WITH THAT

A couple in England have been cheesed by the heat for a scam to rip off the U.K.'s version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? This passage deciphers the clever plot:

Major Ingram successfully answered all of the questions, but it was claimed he had been helped along by coded coughs from an audience member.

Seriously, Regis would have knocked some heads before anybody could scam him, huh?
WAYNE 2K?

The are whispers that Wayne Gretzky may be planning a Lemieux/Jordan-like comeback. Only The Great One can know if he can really comeback, and we hope he's right. If he can still play, then good Lord, lace 'em up already. But, if he's going to tarnish his sterling career, then we hope he decides against it. Like we said, only The Great One can know. Of course, based on the past, there's no reason to believe Gretzky will start being wrong now.

Thursday, August 01, 2002

MOVE OVER CAL THOMAS

Up until now, syndicated columnest Cal Thomas got the award for the stupidest 9-11 comparison when he compared the terrorist's attack to the 'under God' ruling from the 9th District. Well, we've got a new champion, as Jim Bowden, General Manager of the Cincinnati Reds, compared the 9-11 attacks to a possible baseball strike. Listen up folks, when 3000 people are killed in terrorist attacks, it's incomparable.
BUT WHAT ABOUT HOWARD?

Here is a San Francisco Chronicle love note to John Edwards of North Carolina. We know it is so gosh darn early to even start thinking about it, but we still have a sneaky suspicion that the Democratic nominee will be Howard Dean of Vermont.
THAT'S QUITE A SET OF KNOCKERS

Quiz Time: Which will turn out to be biggest bust?

A) The Anna Nichole Show

B) The arrest of the Worldcom guys?

We're guessing it's answer A.
KARL, WHERE'S MY WAR?!?

CNN is reporting that Iraq is inviting U.N. officials over for a gab-fest about the weapons inspectors and whatnot. Don't you just KNOW that Bush is pissed? Take a memo: Karen, fix this!
AND YOU WANT TO BE MY LATEX SALESMAN?

Now, maybe it's just us, but for our money, if the secretary of state can't figure out when she has to quit her job to run for congress, can she be that effective as a congresswoman? We're pretty sure we're gonna find out come November.

Wednesday, July 31, 2002

VAST RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY?

Here is a story on CNN that carries the headline: "In '89, Bush opposed Harken overseas subsidiary". Wow, that's pretty big news and will put those pushy Democrats in their place, right? Just how does CNN know that Bush opposed the Harken overseas subsidiary? Well, Bush told them so, that's how.
BUSH'S WHITEWATER

After reading this new Harken surprise from The Daily News, can't you just imagine that if somebody uncovered records showing that the President actually killed somebody in 1990, Dan Bartlett or Ari Fleischer would say, with straight faces mind you, that because the dead person in question would more than likely be dead by now anyway, considering the crime rate that Clinton promoted, technically the President didn't do anything wrong?

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

TODAY’S MINDLESS MOMENT FROM CURTIS SLIWA!!

Word for word exchanges between real live human beings and Curtis Sliwa!

SLIWA: Jenny is first up on the que there, with red clay between her toes there in Georgia. Good Afternoon Jenny.

JENNY: Hey…

SLIWA: Yes, maam…

JENNY: I’m just calling to say that I’m not going to support any corporate reform act if it’s not going to make sure that: A) All the money that the CEO’s illegally gained is taken away from them, and when they spend time in jail it’s not some country club jail with a golf course, but it’s an actual prison. Hopefully, with all those wrongfully,…not wrongfully accused but wrongfully convicted drug offenders that they’ve spent so much time putting in jail.

SLIWA: So, basically, your saying, right in your backyard there’s one of the oldest federal pens in existence, the old Atlanta Federal Penitentiary that, in fact, Capone ended up doing some time before he went to The Rock at Alcatraz.

If anybody can point out the relationship between Jenny’s call, and Sliwa’s response, please, please, dear God please e-mail us here.
GET YOUR READING ON!!

We've never been particularly big fans of politico Morton Kondracke, but after reading Saving Milly, Kondracke's book about his wife's battle with Parkenson's disease, we feel like Morton and Milly are family members. Saving Milly is a lot like Mitch Albom's Tuesdays With Morrie. The book is so painful at times that we had to put it down, but we we're glad we finished it.

Sunday, July 28, 2002

DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE

We know it. We absolutely should not be laughing over this account, in the Detroit Free Press, about a woman who has yet to master the art of feeding a child. Amanda Redmond had her 3 year old boy taken away when he tipped the scales at 120 pounds at age 3. So, in supervised visits, in an attempt to show the court that she can feed the child in a healthy manner, Amanda brings the boy a little snack from McDonalds, and Taco Bell, and some candy. Not all on the same day, but still, get a clue! Anyway, we shouldn't be laughing, and we're just as sorry as we can be.
THE REALLY GREAT WHITE NORTH

The nations leader, already starting to sag in the polls due to cabinet ethics scandals, has his administration rocked when his child is arrested following another alcohol related incident. Trouble for the President? Nope, but sounds like big trouble for Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien. His adopted boy, Michel Chrétien, was charged with sexual assault upon a woman with whom he had spent the night drinking. Oh yeah, the kid has been in trouble with the law before. Things are getting juicy north of the border.
ANOTHER VICTIM OF 9-11

It wasn't just the nearly 3000 people that were killed during the terrorist's attack on 9-11-01. Add The Russian Tea Room to the list of the dead. After tonight, that is.
THAT LAST BEER SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME

We don't know why this report in Newsday doesn't surprise us, but it doesn't. It makes us laugh, but it doesn't surprise us.
WHERE ARE YOU POLITICALLY?

Well, if you aren't sure, take this short test. The answers to 10 or so questions will explain where you fit on the politcal landscape. Full disclosure: We were rated as CENTRISTS.
ONE IN A ROW

Here is a list of companies that the State of California won't be dealing with because they shield themselves from federal taxes by pretending to be based in Bermuda or The Caymans:

Accenture, APW, Cooper Industries, Everest Re, Foster Wheeler, GlobalSantaFe, Gold Reserve, Helen of Troy, Ingersoll-Rand, LEucadia National Corp, McDermott International, Monday, Nabors Industries, Noble Corp (Drilling), PXRE Corp, Stanley Works, Transocean Offshore, Tyco International, Veritas DGC, Weatherford International, White Mountains Insurance, and Xoma Corp.

Every now and again our state legislature gets one right, and to give credit where it's due, this is certainly one of those times.